Post Natal Depression
Post natal depression. There, I've said it. It doesn't feel any better for doing so. Certainly doesn't cure it or take the weight off.
What it does do, is make people aware that I'm pretty bad right now. I might be fine in the next few minutes or so, but right now and for most of the day, I'm pretty bad.
There is a pretty good chance that I will push you away, but I don't mean to. I might ignore you, go quiet, or snap at you. I don't mean to. I might be hysterically laughing with you and crying in the same sentence.
I know that I am not me. And my god I feel alone. I feel worthless. I've had this so long that I haven't felt that I can say anything about it because there is still a crappy taboo.
Because every mum needs to feel they are strong. Because every mum knows people are busy with their own lives. And when I've reached out before I was told off, told to grow up and told that people didn't want to deal with my drama.
You're told of the warning signs but you never think you'll get it.
I have hormone problems that have caused a chronicle imbalance that I can't take tablets for because they make me very ill. I am not being dramatic. My body is. I'm stuck in this head, screaming for the real me to get out. It's incredibly strange.
Why didn't I say something sooner? A massive misconception is that with PND you want to harm your baby. Not me. My god, she's the most important thing in my life. I'd die for that little girl. The problem is, I don't feel good enough for her, for anyone and that's why I'm pushing people away.
All I know is that one day, I'll get through this.
Written by Laura